Monday, 8 September 2008

Keith Finds Me A Husband

Finally someone other than just me and Kal (and Mikey) is looking for a husband for me. Keith is too. And Jocelyn. Unfortunately, Keith's idea of finding a husband for me involves suggesting any guys he saw and then telling me very strange virtues they have. (Joce's virtues are sensible.) Here are a few examples:

- Joab. He has already heard that he got mentioned, and his response was we'd kill each other. Keith's explanation of Joab's virtues includes: "He and you match! You're both wearing pink!" I pointed out that Joab had been know to change his shirt occasionally. Keith's next list of Joab's virtues included: "He has a shiny car and a keyboard." Jocelyn went for the slightly more rational explanation of Joab's virtues: "I heard he's looking for a girlfriend and he likes kids."
- Shaun Rimos. Keith: "He makes desserts." Jocelyn: "He does KFC."
- Kien. Keith: "He's tall. And he'll put on weight eventually." Jocelyn: "He also likes kids."
- Chew. "He's tall. And he likes kids. He even let Mikey knee him." Kallie found this hilarious. So did Joce. Me: "NO!"
- Lionel. "He's tall." Joce: "He's also in KFC." Me: "He'd curl up in a ball and die."

Keith also went through Christian and Dhany. I pointed out that I would kill both of them.

There is a solution to this problem. We need to evangalise more.


Anonymous said...

He also suggested Brendan. I stated that I wanted my kids to be relatively normal. And Brendan and me would NOT have normal kids.


joab said...

it doesn't matter, just you means you kids WOULDN'T be normal. Maybe double negatives work...

And I resent that, Joce makes it sound like I'm desperate or something, which I am not...

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Don't worry, you'll never be as desperate as me.

And seriously, have you ever SEEN me and Brendan together. To give you a clue, within about na hour of meeting each other, we had challenged each other to a standing on one leg contest. Because we're that kind of people.

By the way, I won.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

But you should get married soon. You're good with kids. And you're getting old. When I was your age (a whole 10 months ago) I thought I was ancient.

That's because I was ancient, as are you.

Now I am ancient plus ten months.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

You know, we have many lovely girls in our church. Kallie is lovely. And Jocelyn. And Amy.

You can't have Reb, she's going to PNG.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

I have at least three girls coming over to kill me about now.

And I live with one of them.

Anonymous said...

I would kill you right now, but I don't think it's good for our babies to grow up in a one-parent household.

-From your UNlovely housemate who has access to sharp objects.

Joab's kage bunshin no. 12 said...

Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!
I'm better at killing than the original.
All this talk of killing makes me want to kill something. I'll start with time.

Lee Sa Wen said...

So the quest for the elusive husband is on.

I'm guessing love is not going to be involved in any way? Not even a teensy weensy bit?

There seems to be a lot of killing though. Sounds like fun.

Joce said...

Joab, you're the one who said next to me and Sam that 'I really need a girlfriend'.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Even so, he doesn't rate as desperate as me. He can talk about desperation when he goes to work and cries. Five times. In one day. Then he can tell me that he's desperate.

In the mean time, as I said, there are many lovely girls in our church. Evangalism needs to be focussed on redressing the gender imbalance.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Lee Sa Wen

I'm all in favour of love, but there are a lot of boys in church who would curl up in a ball and die crying miserably if I married them. It'd happen sooner if they loved me. I'm difficult to live with at the best of times.

I do however have basic criteria:

1. Christian and more spiritually mature than me.
2. Employed or with prospects of being so. Don't care what KIND of job, as long as he HAS one.
3. Taller than me, preferably tall. And not skinny. The actual criteria is that I feel small and delicate next to him. But that's difficult for outsiders to judge.
4. Plans to not use contraception for any of married life.
5. Hopes to adopt and foster kids.
6. Doesn't object to homeschooling.
7. Willing to stand up to me.

Let's face it, anyone with all of THOSE I'm probably going to be madly in love with.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Of course, if Joab started crying at uni, we'd have to cart him away to the loony bin. Because he works with fruit flies.

Joab said...

leave my cute innocent flies out of this.

Joce, that was a passing comment with no weight...

Kal, no offence, it'd never work out anyway, and Sam would kill you for getting married before her. =P

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Boy would I ever!
Besides, she'd have to worry about you stealing her eyeliner...

Anonymous said...

Response to Joab- I'm not really surprised. Anyway, I would fail as a girlfriend/wife/human being.

Response to Sam- Although it's unlikely, if I get married before you then you can't kill me until you're spiritually mature enough to start Hope Jail (also, can you at least let me enjoy my honeymoon? =D Pretty please!)

That is all.


Joab's kage bunshin no.65 said...

For a passing comment with no weight, you've been saying it quite a lot.

Oh, yes, Joab? When do you want your eyeliner back?

Sam-Is-Mad said...

I promise I'd let you have your honeymoon Kal. And you might even live longer, just so I can harvest the children. (not ourbabies, but the honeymoon babies).

It would appear that Joab is in fact desperate. Maybe in a year or two he'll be at uni, crying over his fruit flies, and then I will have sympathy.

In the mean time Joab, I suggested 3 different girls. And you only vetoed one. So what about Amy or Joce? Or any other of the many wonderful ladies we have at church.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

You're never going to hear the last of this Joab. At least not until about 2 weeks after you find a girlfriend.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

And Kal, I am WAY more of a failure as a girlfriend/wife/human being. Again, I'd like to point out my patheticness of crying at work. And that I generally suck. For specifics, please ask the loser who lives with you.

That would be me.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Because Reb is not a loser, she is a nerd.

I down-graded from a weirdo to a loser. You are still a weirdo Kal.

Man, I sound desperate. People are going to start thinking I'm really Joab. ;P

Anonymous said...

AHEM! No one surpasses me at being a failure as a girlfriend/wife/human being, and failing at life in general. How dare you try to steal my one accomplishment.

Actually, I realised something about Joab's comment as I travelled on the train, being stared at by heaps of cute boys (only because I was carrying a large butterfly net). It kind of hurts to be rejected for something I didn't even apply for. Is apply the right word?

You can have my offspring. I won't need them when I'm dead.

-Strangely Anon.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Now we can beat up on Joab for being mean. And desperate.

Actually, I already did. Even did a blog post about it.

My STRAWBERRIES! How could you do it? Mean I say.

joab said...

the correct answer to that is "easily."

Fine, Joce is essentially like a younger sister to me, so nadah.

I'm don't know Amy well enough to comment either way.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Oh, you're just being difficult. You're a boy, you have to do the asking out. We poor girls sit and wait.

Hey, you could always get to know Amy better...

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Shaun, you need to find a girlfriend too. Tell Jason that he probably should as well, but I don't know him well enough to say.

All the boys need to start getting girlfriends. I'm single. I need to live out my life vicariously through others.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

You know, there are only two ways to get me to shut up about this.

1. Find yourself a girlfriend. Then I will move on to more single prey.

2. Find me a husband. Then I will be so wrapped up that I won't have TIME.

I like the second choice best.

joab said...

there's option 3, we could sew your lips shut...

Or tell rebecca =P

joab said...

there's option 3, we could sew your lips shut...

Or tell rebecca =P

Shaun said...

I do have many girl friends too.

Unless you are not my friend. Or you're not a girl.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

Kal suggested that you could die. I responded that that would not stop me. I would go to your funeral and say, "This never would have happened if you had a girlfriend."

Then she said you could kill me. I responded that at the resurrection, I would ask why you weren't married yet. You would probably respond something like that there is no marriage anymore etc etc etc, and I would respond that you were just making excuses.

Sam-Is-Mad said...

I sew better than you - I would just unpick the stitches.

Mha ha ha!

And Shaun, find yourself a future wife.

shaun said...

Unless a girl from the future decides to build a time machine and travel back in time, seek me out and marry me, I doubt I would find a future wife now...

Then again, she would already have been married in the future to be a future wife, so it's plain unbiblical for me to marry her. I would say go back to your future husband who misses you (but technically she hasn't gone back in time from the future yet now, so he still hasn't missed her) and to her future kids (and technically they haven't been born yet as of now, so they won't miss much).

However, what would be a much more entertaining thought would be that if she were really my wife whom I will marry now from the future who has gone back in time to meet the present me because she couldn't really have any kids with my future self so she intends to try her luck with my younger self. Of course I would say to her that is just plain wrong, and sure enough, I would mentally make a note not to marry a girl like her, but then I would have created a time paradox, because if I did not marry her then Mrs. Me would not even exist, so as she repeats the famous last words of the Wicked Witch of the West, the whole universe would simultaneously implode and we would all be in deep poop.

So, Sam, never, ever ask me to find a future wife again, because your very existence depends on me not finding one.

It's only 1 am. Hallelujah!