Sunday, 28 February 2010

My Babies Are In Danger

Care group has been at our house for the past few months. Which is nice for me, because it means when I don't want to play games I just leave and do the washing up, or something THAT ISN'T A WASTE OF TIME LIKE GAMES. (Sam not like games.)

So while everyone was there I decided to get out John and Yoko. Ken was more than slightly freaked out. This meant that I waved Yoko in front of his face several times, making him jump each time. Things like that are important to me. Then I even made him hold her. Ken was not exactly thrilled.

Eventually I took him out of his misery and took Yoko away from him, and waved her in front of Lionel. Who promptly opened his mouth and tried to eat her! Not cool, definitely not cool. My babies are in danger, and from more than one Singaporean.

And A New Career Opportunity Opens Up

Today, Mavis decided to bag Joab's clothes - specifically that he was wearing a shirt that wasn't ironed. Well, she bagged several of his clothes (and Kal and I joined in), but the shirt came under special attention.

"It makes you look like a grub," Mavis said.

"I AM a grub," Joab said.

"Please, just iron your shirts!"

"But then I would have to iron them."

I pointed out that there was a very simple solution to this problem. "Take a look around at all the pretty girls at church, choose one, marry her, and then make her do your ironing."

Joab was not convinced. "I could just pay Sam to do it for me. How much would you charge?"

"$20 a hour."

"Seems reasonable. I shall consider it."

I personally think he should go for the wife. It's probably cheaper in the long term, and she'll even do the cooking and the cleaning.

Friday, 26 February 2010

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Even Sophie Thinks I Should Have Joab's Car

Alicia gave me a keyring picture frame for Christmas. It's really awesome, and very useful, because it distracts crying children. It is now several children's favourite toy. Including Sophie's.

Sophie sits down, and flicks through the pictures, giving me the descriptions on each one. "That's you and your friend 'Lica. That's you and your friend Kallie." Until she gets to Joab. "That's your friend Joab. He eats snails and slugs. He's CRAZY. That's disGUSting."

She continues to go through the slides, then gets back to Joab. "That's your friend Joab. He eats snails and slugs. He's CRAZY. Why would anyone eat snails and slugs?"

"Soph, I got no idea. He's a boy; boys are weird like that."

Sophie turned to James and said, "Do you eat snails and slugs?"

James is two, and looked at me and said, "No, I refuse." Which of course sent me into gails of laughter.

"Joab's Chinese. They eat lots of gross things. That and he's just crazy. Accept it, move on."

"He can come over to my house."

"You just want to watch him eat snails and slugs."


"Sophie, if I can get him to, I will. But I think he's not going to travel all the way to Kew just to eat snails and slugs. Not when he can dig them up in his own garden."

Sophie turned back to my pic-frame. She found the pictures of Hailee and Harper. She said, "They're the babies that are overseas. Sam, where's your baby?"

"Sophie, I don't HAVE a baby. I'm not married."

"You could GET married."

"To who?"

"Joab. Then you could cook his snails and slugs."

"I don't think that Joab would agree to that. That and I don't want to contaminate my fryingpans with snails and slugs."

"Yeah, they're yucky."

Sohpie glanced over to the carpark. "Hey Sam, where's your car?"

"I haven't got a car," I told her.

"My car is grey and sparkly."

"You mean silver?"

"Yeah. You should get a grey and sparkly car."

"You know, Joab has a silver car. Maybe I should just have that."

"I think so Sam."

Incidentally, Sophie is Ella's sister. You can re-read some of my posts on Ella, linked below.

- Where Your Treasure Is, there your heart will be also.
- Bella Ella

Another Person Who Is Never Coming to My House

So, I have some new pets. Their names are John and Yoko, and they are very cute. When I told people at church about them, they just said, "Yoko is a Japanese name." Seriously.

Anyways, John and Yoko are Hermit Crabs. John is light and Yoko is dark, and Yoko is more active, though they both are up there with the activity.

I bought them primarily for work, so on Monday I took them in. I was proudly showing them off. I even took them in to the kitchen to show Jenna (the cook Jenna).

"Mmm, they look tasty!" she said.

"You know, you are the second person who has threatened to eat some of my pets."

"Maybe you shouldn't have such tasty pets then."

Monday, 22 February 2010

Freedy Gets Bit, Joab Gets Hit

At church, Kallie and I observed Freedy's arm. It was covered with mozzie bites, and each of the mozzie bites were swelling quite nastily. We commiserated, and suggested anti-histamines.

Joab came over, and was shown the bites. He then said, "What has Anna been doing to you?"

Anna gave Joab a high-five, then said that if it was her that bit Freedy the marks would have been bigger.

I then made the statement that Aussie mozzzies are racist. They like Asian blood. And as a general rule, Asians swell quite nastily when bitten.

Joab then looked at me and said, "Oh no, I've got a comment, but I can't make it because you'll hit me."

Now, you can't do that. You can't say things like, "I'm not telling you" and expect me to not force you to spit it out.

"You know, the real reason the mozzies went for Freedy and not you is that they're on a low fat diet."

And you can re-read the title of this post to see my reaction.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Chinese Funnies

If Only She Had Suceeded
Anna wanted our CG to go out for Chinese New Year. In order to drag the White Girl along, she bribed her with the promise of "a hot Chinese guy". I told her that he needed to be tall, and want 20 children.

Anna thought for a second, then said, "I guess he'll have to be Chinese Chinese then, not Singaporean or Malaysian."

Ken's Funny
So at the said Chinese New Year dinner, I'm there talking to Ken. And as it always does when you're talking to me, the topic got around to babies.

"So when do you plan to have your first baby?" he asked.

"When I'm fifteen."

"You're 25 now, right?"


"Sam, I think you need a new plan."

And At Work
Megan is the cook's daughter. She came up to me and offered me some "sweets". I pretended to eat them. Megan apologised for them saying, "They're not very sweet."

"That's all right. They can be Chinese lollies."

"That's because they're TANBARK!"

Sunday, 14 February 2010

And Sam Has A New Symptom

That's right. Just when we thought that Sam reacting to dolls was bad enough. I have had a bunch of sores on my tongue, then on my gums. They went away for a week, and now... they're back.

Lots and lots of blisters, all over my tongue, especially at the front.

Google's consensus is that I have allergies.

I think I'm going to be starting a food diary sometime soon, because this is not fun. Although then I'm going to have to cut out yet another food.

Stupid body.

Oh, and I got no Valentines.

Friday, 12 February 2010

Darn Chinese

I'd just like to say, Chinese people are thieves. That's right. Thieves! They STEAL things! Especially festivals!

Last year, Chinese New Year was celebrated on Jan 26th. What incredibly momentous day is that? Australia Day!

This year, they are stealing our festival of Love. Stealing Valentine's Day! How could they? Don't they know that Valentine's is the day when all us desperate singels get to declare our undying affection to the one we love in an anonymous fashion? Seriously, not cool.

On the bright side, I'm celebrating Chinese New Year with my care-group. Anna has promised to help me pick up a hot Chinese boy (though I'm not sure I trust her taste as she picked Freedy) so maybe I'll get Valentine's after all.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Songs From Sam's Head

It's been mostly a Beatles week again. Sorry, but it's true. And almost entirely from their first album, Please Please Me.


Baby It's You

A Taste of Honey

And now I'm going to have this in my head.

I've half got the day off tomorrow - I've got planning, and I'm doing it from home. Awesome! Will have funky music blasting most the day.

Got to buy some new CDs. George Harrison especially. Can't believe I don't have any of his individual CDs. I don't have any of Paul's or Ringo's, but Ringo's not much cop, and Paul is expensive. Lennon I got a mix. It's surprising the iconic songs he wrote.

So just to mess with your minds: